Child Awakening....Part Two

Part Two Child Awakening

My beloved Grandma died when I was three years old. Just so. I grokked, in the most comprehensive way, that Life was not therefore a Disneyland place as it had somehow been presented to me. Sure, there was Santa Claus and puppies, ice cream, swings, bicycles, hugs and kisses, Mommies and Daddies, but fundamentally, that was all ultimately meaningless in the face of the fact of DEATH. My father told me that when we went on a car ride together after my Grandma’s funeral, I said to him “We are all born to die.” I got it. Did I mention that I became depressed?

Life has a way of making its point, and discovering that point has been my life’s journey. I don’t recall the exact sequence of events right after my Grandma’s death, as they seem to cascade together as a rain of blessing. I will just simply describe them, best as I can without a timeline. All I know for sure is that soon after this SHOCK of the discovery of mortality, I was once again in that place of simple Awareness frequently. One morning in particular remains as a deep impression in my being.

We had these kindly, elderly next door neighbors we called “Grandma and Grandpa Buckley”. They loved my brother and me and we used to go visit them on occasion, without our parents. Nowadays we would call them “cool”. They were relaxed. At any rate, one morning I was at their house and I recall that it was early, bright and sunny and Grandpa Buckley was in his little study area behind some partly opened glass French doors, sitting in his easy chair, smoking his pipe.

I was in the adjacent small dining room, lying on my tummy under the table, looking at the sunbeams on the carpet. As morning light always captivated me, I was simply looking at the “brightness”. Suddenly I sensed a great stillness come over me and beyond me. It was if Time stopped. I sensed Eternity in that moment, as if nothing had ever happened before and there WAS nothing else. The best way I can characterize it was that it felt more REAL and true than how I ordinarily perceived time and reality. A feeling of bliss permeated my being.

Being approximately 4 years old, I had no context for this experience and had no way to convey it to anyone. I simply didn’t speak of it. In fact, I didn’t even feel a desire to tell anyone; it never occurred to me.

Looking back on all of these experiences I can see that it was kind of a set up. The duck pond, my attraction to the bright sunlight there, my joy in simply observing the loveliness was a beginning of contemplation. I was building capacity as it were. Then Grandma died and I was smithereened. I think that was a set up too, for what was to come next.

As to the exact timing of this, as I said, I can't be sure but the following experience DID occur when I was about 4 years old. It was another bright sunny early weekend morning. I remember it was either a Saturday or Sunday because my parents were still in bed sleeping. I had gotten up and dressed myself in a favorite little dress of mine. I can still remember it; a little yellow dress with puffy sleeves.

I made my way into our back yard as it was a beautiful sunny morning and I loved being outdoors on days like that. My next recollection is of standing and gazing at the mountain behind the cemeteries, San Bruno mountain and looking at the way the sun made it look so majestic. Its appearance was so beautiful that I was gazing at it in awe. My guess is that I must have been drawn into one of my, now familiar, contemplative states because suddenly "I" felt expanded in all directions to Infinity. My body felt totally huge and then my point of view shifted to up above the rooftops of my neighborhood. I was looking down at the scene below and yet my body encompassed the entire scene below, it all felt "inside" of "ME" and the thought arose: "I have always been and I always will be." I had the sudden realization, but also recollection really, that "I" was the Source and Self of all that is. I knew, again, that there was no threat, no death, no "other" as I was the only ONE. All people, all processes, all objects, the entire Universe was all ONLY ME. I was "being" everybody and everything! I SAW that it was all only a play, an entertainment even, the Universe was something I was Be-ing in order to PLAY!

It really WAS a remembering and I had the distinct sensation of it only being just a second or two that I'd forgotten. There was a thought like "Oh yes, now I remember how it is..." No sooner than I'd Realized my Self and the Truth of Reality, then I was sort of snapped back into my personal little girl bodymind again.

If I had no context for the other things that had happened to me previously, trust me, I REALLY had no context for this total world shifting experience! I knew it was real, but I also knew I was once again Trudy. I never ever forgot the experience. I never spoke of it, and wouldn't have a context for it, until MUCH later when I learned of Parmahansa Yogananda and his description of Divine Self Realization. Until then I was going to go through many a spiritual winding road before I came across a kindred who could speak of these things.