When to Speak....or Not!

Boy. This is new territory for a gal like me, so used to speaking her mind! I have always been honest, sometimes to a fault. In innocuous ways this entails telling my hubby every salacious detail of a walk with our toddler, or the carnitas lunch I had at La Mission, the moment to moment progress of my sore toe etc. It also included stream of consciousness processing of my subconscious mindforms. Oh yes. Were you to be in my family, as my daughter or my husband, any random thought occurring to me, would make its way into YOUR brain. Several months ago, however, events conspired to alert me to the fact that, GUESS WHAT, not everyone is interested in sharing to that extent! I have really reined in, therefore, my tendencies to be "honest". I try very hard now, to not cross boundaries. Just as I do at school with my little ones, give space, observe, knowing that the less interference the better I now do at home. So that is a big Yippee!

At the moment I am looking at two situations in my life with two friends. One has a spouse who is being outrageous in some pretty socially unacceptable behavior and this friend is still in denial. Another is one who has gone back to a "dark side" spiritual teacher who really stifled and hurt her before; really crossing boundaries. This man does NOT treat people with dignity or respect whatsoever. She was so relieved to be OUT of the cult at one point and really found her voice again. Inexplicably she has returned. I've barely said anything at all regarding this turn of events, but did say one MILD thing and she has ceased speaking to me. I do have ways of contacting her if I choose, but I will not.

I'm holding my tongue in both situations. This is new territory. Wish me luck.

Abuse of Power in Guru Land

I'll make it brief for today. This was said my Adyashanti, a teacher I've seen a few times. Never became a 'student' of his, but I do appreciate his point of view. Especially here when he says:

"What I tell people is that if you’re seeking enlightenment, your good sense is vital. In fact, you’re going to have to learn to trust it more and more. I think people actually know early on when something’s off about a teacher, but they think they must be wrong, because an enlightened person can’t do any wrong. And that’s not true. Enlightened people can do wrong. They can do harmful things."

My comment: HELL TO THE YES!

How I Went from Miserable and Resentful to Blissful and Grateful in 12 Hours

It was March 11, 1981 and I was married to my second husband, Jeff, a fireman with the city of San Jose.

A little backstory: The marriage was just an “okay” match. We had fun sometimes, but there was a definite strain of competition in Jeff that I found baffling, being that I was his wife. If I accomplished anything of significance, or succeeded in an endeavor, rather than being happy for me he would say how he could probably have done it faster, better, higher, farther etc. This competitive “thing” with him was so bad that we couldn’t even play friendly board games or card games together. The last time we’d played Scrabble on a picnic by the Russian River, I’d won the game and he became so furious he took the Scrabble dictionary and threw it into the river, wouldn’t speak to me out of anger for hours.

Also I had my own baggage which I’d brought to the marriage, that being a lot of unfinished business with my mom which included heavy resentment over my childhood (she was a critical control freak who never let up from morning til night) and frustration about how she was still trying to manipulate my behavior and decisions based upon criticism and harsh disapproval. These two people were the closest TO me, other than my little 3 year old daughter. The combination of their influence in my life PLUS my poor skill level in dealing with either of them, left me in pretty sad shape. My response to be resentful, depressed, angry and irritable. Not fun.

This one particular day, March 11^th, I’d gone to my first appointment with a therapist I’d been to during my divorce from my first husband, Lee. Her name was Marge Weimer and I really liked her and trusted her completely. I was there because I could no longer stand the state of my “state”. I knew I had major work to do in order to process through all of the crap that was inside of me. It was pure “yuck”. Also I knew that therapy took quite awhile and would be no “enlightenment weekend”.

At that appointment I described to Marge how I was feeling and basically, other than a few folks, I told her I felt that “everyone is not REAL, nobody is REAL!” Marge, being the good therapist she is asked “WHO is not real?” I replied “I KNOW you are trying to get me to say that I am not real, but it doesn’t FEEL that way to me right now.” We talked a bit more about I don’t even remember, probably my list of complaints J and I scheduled an appointment for the following week and I left. My mood was black. I felt that I had SO MUCH crap inside of me and that therapy was going to take…well it felt like an infinite amount of time at that point, before I got anything TRULY resolved.

I went home to my husband and Sarah. She was playing in her room and I remember sitting on the sofa in front of the large picture window in our living room. Jeff asked me a question and I think I snapped at him. I told him also how I was feeling still so much resentment toward my mom. He sympathized in his way by saying “Well your mom is a shitbird….flying around shitting on everything!” Small comfort.

That night before we went to bed, Jeff told me that he had been fantasizing lately about going to Argentina WITHOUT me. He then said, he felt that if I didn’t change my behavior and attitude, that he felt he was going to want a divorce. SHIT! That just tanked me. Not that he was the love of my life, by any means, but it was the whole idea that I would have a SECOND divorce under my belt at the age of 28! What a failure I thought I was! I couldn’t bear what that indicated about me and facing all friends and family with ANOTHER marriage break up.

After I tucked Sarah in bed for the night, I went into our spare bedroom to be alone. I laid on the floor and just sobbed into the carpet. I cannot tell you how miserable I was. I was at the end of my rope, that’s for sure. I didn’t know WHAT to do, but having been raised Catholic I did have a vague idea that there MIGHT be a God, some benevolent presence. It had been LONG years since my experiences as a child which held me in spiritual thrall at that time. I’d almost forgotten all about that. Catholicism actually had sort of snuffed those feelings out. It sure hadn’t supported or reinforced those sentiments and realizations. So at 28 I had only a remnant of a sense of spirituality. Thank God for that I suppose. I was at rock bottom in that moment and not knowing what else to do AND feeling mighty angry at FATE, GOD whatever it was I said aloud “If you REALLY EXIST godammit, then you better show me, because I’m DYING down here!” I REALLY meant it, more than anything I’d ever meant in a LONG time. Then, I took a OTC sleep aid and went to bed.

I awoke at about 4:00 in the morning and immediately felt that familiar sick, heart-sinking feeling that I’d had before I went to bed. But now, in the quiet of the night, with ONLY my own psyche to notice, I felt something new; I wanted to die. Not that I wanted to commit suicide, I didn’t. What I wanted was for that hateful, resentful, sick-minded self to DIE, dissolve, disappear. This feeling was so strong that I had an instinctive “pulling away” from within. That is the only way I can describe it. In so doing, I felt within, a sensation like a earthquake, like a tectonic plate shift, a sensation like a crack within. The very next moment, IN that crack poured an Avalanche of LOVE, so much so much so that it blasted me wide open. Suddenly I felt totally awash in Love! An Ocean of love! Monumental waves of Love just washing through me in around me and in an INSTANT all of the resentment, hate, disappointment, confusion, depression was utterly utterly GONE!

I felt an tremendous Love for ME, from a Presence in my room. There was a presence which was loving me so completely that it dwarfed the idea of parental love. Imagine the most loving, most supportive, compassionate, adoring parental love you could possibly dream of and that love was like a thimbleful compared to an Ocean of the Love I was experiencing. This presence was loving me and I saw an image of myself like a newborn in a large pair of hands. Tears of love-bliss were streaming down my face, all I could feel was love. I was feeling love for absolutely everything.

The next thing that happened was truly amazing. I began to “see” faces of people I’d forgotten completely. I began to understand from the Presence in my room (telepathically) that these were all people for whom I had held some form of resentment in my heart. I saw myself as a baby in my playpen on the front lawn of my house and forming a resentment toward the bread man who was talking to my mom! The faces appeared faster and faster and as they appeared to my mind’s eye they simultaneously passed through my heart which was so filled with love, there was an instantaneous healing and blessing with that person. It was happening so rapidly it felt like warp speed until finally within mere minutes I was in the present moment and had healed everything with everyone in my entire life.

I began also, to have “Christian” teachings in my mind making sense to me. I heard “Father forgive them they know not what they do.” I SAW that anyone anywhere who did something unloving was MERELY AND ONLY because they were not feeling the love-bliss as I now was blessed to be feeling. There was NO judgment on this! NONE! The Divine mind was showing itself to me. I SAW and more than that KNEW that the entire idea of guilt was a manmade construct! I saw the nature of God was So totally LOVE that there was no room, no space, no thought of anything like guilt, wrong, bad. ALL of us were accepted and loved and adored and cherished just exactly as I was feeling now. To include EVERYONE, Hitler, Stalin, Genghis Khan, you name it! Everyone was precious and perfect and utterly cherished just as they were, in the Divine Heart/mind. The entire Catholic and Christian teaching about Hell was totally false. We could never do anything that could separate us from the total love of the Divine and we were always swimming in this Love but without knowing it.

For about two hours I just basked in the love bliss and my heart was so full and I felt so GRATEFUL I cannot describe it fully. Such gratitude. This knowledge felt more REAL than anything I’d ever felt before. Everything else, ordinary life was sort of stepped down, ratcheted down reality, or as Jesus put it to one of his disciples “veiled”. I laid in bed just meditating on the love in my heart in a blessed out condition until the sun came up and Jeff woke up. I said good morning to him and he said to me “Something happened to you!” I mean it was THAT obvious. I was just beaming with joy and love and light….even I realized I actually LOOKED different.

That day I looked around the world and everything was incredibly BRIGHT and colorful. So many bright colors! Where before things had literally looked dim and dull, suddenly life was an explosion of color and light! WOW! it was positively psychedelic. This lasted for MONTHS. Also for months, what occurred was that every morning at 4:00 a.m. I would wake up from “dreaming” that I’d been in a realm where myself and others and ANGELS had been singing or chanting love songs to the Divine. OR I would wake up from a dream where I had been on a boat with Jesus. Or I would wake up from a dream where I had been questioning Jesus about the Cosmos. Mostly I would wake up with the sense I had just been meditating in a realm with exalted beings such as angels, but not entirely angels. Just in an exalted realm above the human, that’s all I can say.

My relationships with everyone improved very much, as you might imagine. I had the impulse to run up to everyone and say “do you know how much God loves you?! You don’t even know! You are so loved!!” But, I restrained myself. J . Slowly the brightness of colors went more back to normal but not entirely. Slowly I began to be less of a bliss ninny, but again, no entirely. What didn’t come back ever, was poisonous resentment. Also, I totally lost my ability to hate. That never returned at all.

I was changed at the core of my being and I have been a basically happy person, an optimist and a lover ever since that day. The “formula” that worked for me was surrender and prayer. That is what it took in my case. Giving up, being at rock bottom and reaching out, even angrily to God/Source/Divine….fill in the blank with what has heart and meaning to you. IT the Heart, doesn’t care what you call it…..just THAT you call it.

As a side note, I kept my appointment the following week with my therapist Marge. I related this entire story to her and she asked if I would write it down for the meditation class she taught weekly. She said this was an experience that many of them were hoping for through meditation. After our session she walked me to the door and hugged me saying “I feel as if I have been in the Presence of an angel for the last hour. Thank you.”

Thank you for listening to my Leela. J

Can We Close the Zoos Now?

When Joelle was little (she is now almost 21) I used to take her to the San Francisco Academy of Sciences, Aquarium AND the Zoo each first Wednesday of every month. It was great because each first Wed. is FREE day and we'd pack a lunch and go with friends; the kids in strollers and the moms in sneakers.....we'd make a whole day of it. Many times, it would just be Joelley and me. The Zoo was a favorite.

At that time, I could sense the unhappiness of the animals in captivity, (the elephants were particularly depressed) but Joelle's sense of wonder, amazement, excitement and joy hit the "override" button for me.

I can see why at one time, zoos were the only way for children to learn about animals and get a sense of what they were like. At the SF Zoo, they used to have "Zoo Keys" which turned on a little tape recorder that played a brief recording on facts for each animal exhibit. It was educational. Then too, people were less sensitive to the effects on animals in captivity.

NOW, however we have Animal Planet. If you are a regular viewer, you can see just about any type of animal, up close, complete with all sorts of facts and simply spectacular footage. With all of this available, are zoos necessary? Are zoos humane, based on what we have learned about animals? Zoos came into being over 100 years ago. It is my belief that they are antiquated, far out dated and unnecessary. I hope they are all eventually closed as the current population of creatures dies off.

SUICIDE is a Permanent Solution to a Temporary Problem

or Why the Supreme Court's Decision on Corporate Rights makes our Heroine want to stick her head in a Washing Machine on Extra Spin cycle INSTEAD of a gas oven. Part 1,613

Briiiing! Briiiiiing! Wake up Americans....time to wake UP! In case you've been inundated with only news stories about the weather (it's been raining...who knew!?) let me pass along a bit of important info: Your democracy now sleeps with the fishes. The SCOTUS has decided that Corporations (long legally considered to be 'individuals' by some pretzel logic known only to lawyers) have the right to free speech to the extent that their right to spend money on political campaigns is unlimited. Too late to kiss direct democracy goodbye...we never really had that, but now democracy, small "d" is done, over, kaput. Not only can corporations donate obscene amounts of cash to support their candidate of choice, they can spend gazillions of dollars to thwart, suppress, campaign against those candidates they do not want to have elected. Average, everyday Americans don't stand a snowball's chance in Hell now to run a political campaign. Unless they have corporate backing; sponsorship as it were. You want to run for office? You must become a product.

Future media broadcast: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the next President of the United States, Ms. Sarah Palin tm, a wholly owned subsidiary of Exxon Mobil will be inaugurated on January 20, 2013 in Google Plaza. The President Elect and First Dude have already moved into Halliburton House (formerly known as the White House) and have been settling in. Ms. Palin has been spending the past few days making plans for the redecoration of the Neimann Marcus room.

Those individuals wishing to attend the Inauguration must have their background checks processed and passports stamped by the office of Homeland Security no later than January 1st.

Persons wishing to assemble in the Designated Free Speech Protest Area must have their applications including the $1,000.00 application fee processed and approved by HSA no later than January 5th. Unlawful assembly by persons without permits will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Those convicted will be housed at the Blackwater Correctional Facility in Maryland. Authorities anticipating a large inmate population increase due to this event have made provisions for the newly convicted "overflow" to be transferred to the Focus on the Family tm. State Prison. FOTF Prison currently houses convicted abortion providers, pro-choice advocates and gay and lesbian activists.

BREAKING NEWS This just in: Coca Cola Armed Forces have announced that they intend to institute a draft as early as next September to counteract the now double digit desertion numbers among their personnel fighting in the Indian Water conflict along the Ganges River. Anonymous sources say that the new order to shoot on sight any Indian women attempting to access water under cover of night has caused the rise in desertion rates among the Coca Cola troops. Coca Cola officials state that the first round of drafts will be instituted in the Palestinian Work Camp (formerly known as Gaza) which is controlled by Israel Goldman .Sachs.

Additional Announcement: Comcast Federal Network will have three broadcast channels available for this evening: Lexipro Channel's 24 hour marathon of American Idol, Exxon Mobil News Channel and Levitra/Celias Inc. Channel's Highlights of ESPN.

So yeah, I feel like sticking my head in for a double wash, extra rinse this bad news shit outta my brain cycle, don't you? But because I have faith in human nature ultimately, if not American nature at this point, I would never opt for the Sylvia Plath method of making it all go away.

But I do believe, THIS time, the Revolution will DEFINITELY NOT be televised.

Child Awakening....Part Two

Part Two Child Awakening

My beloved Grandma died when I was three years old. Just so. I grokked, in the most comprehensive way, that Life was not therefore a Disneyland place as it had somehow been presented to me. Sure, there was Santa Claus and puppies, ice cream, swings, bicycles, hugs and kisses, Mommies and Daddies, but fundamentally, that was all ultimately meaningless in the face of the fact of DEATH. My father told me that when we went on a car ride together after my Grandma’s funeral, I said to him “We are all born to die.” I got it. Did I mention that I became depressed?

Life has a way of making its point, and discovering that point has been my life’s journey. I don’t recall the exact sequence of events right after my Grandma’s death, as they seem to cascade together as a rain of blessing. I will just simply describe them, best as I can without a timeline. All I know for sure is that soon after this SHOCK of the discovery of mortality, I was once again in that place of simple Awareness frequently. One morning in particular remains as a deep impression in my being.

We had these kindly, elderly next door neighbors we called “Grandma and Grandpa Buckley”. They loved my brother and me and we used to go visit them on occasion, without our parents. Nowadays we would call them “cool”. They were relaxed. At any rate, one morning I was at their house and I recall that it was early, bright and sunny and Grandpa Buckley was in his little study area behind some partly opened glass French doors, sitting in his easy chair, smoking his pipe.

I was in the adjacent small dining room, lying on my tummy under the table, looking at the sunbeams on the carpet. As morning light always captivated me, I was simply looking at the “brightness”. Suddenly I sensed a great stillness come over me and beyond me. It was if Time stopped. I sensed Eternity in that moment, as if nothing had ever happened before and there WAS nothing else. The best way I can characterize it was that it felt more REAL and true than how I ordinarily perceived time and reality. A feeling of bliss permeated my being.

Being approximately 4 years old, I had no context for this experience and had no way to convey it to anyone. I simply didn’t speak of it. In fact, I didn’t even feel a desire to tell anyone; it never occurred to me.

Looking back on all of these experiences I can see that it was kind of a set up. The duck pond, my attraction to the bright sunlight there, my joy in simply observing the loveliness was a beginning of contemplation. I was building capacity as it were. Then Grandma died and I was smithereened. I think that was a set up too, for what was to come next.

As to the exact timing of this, as I said, I can't be sure but the following experience DID occur when I was about 4 years old. It was another bright sunny early weekend morning. I remember it was either a Saturday or Sunday because my parents were still in bed sleeping. I had gotten up and dressed myself in a favorite little dress of mine. I can still remember it; a little yellow dress with puffy sleeves.

I made my way into our back yard as it was a beautiful sunny morning and I loved being outdoors on days like that. My next recollection is of standing and gazing at the mountain behind the cemeteries, San Bruno mountain and looking at the way the sun made it look so majestic. Its appearance was so beautiful that I was gazing at it in awe. My guess is that I must have been drawn into one of my, now familiar, contemplative states because suddenly "I" felt expanded in all directions to Infinity. My body felt totally huge and then my point of view shifted to up above the rooftops of my neighborhood. I was looking down at the scene below and yet my body encompassed the entire scene below, it all felt "inside" of "ME" and the thought arose: "I have always been and I always will be." I had the sudden realization, but also recollection really, that "I" was the Source and Self of all that is. I knew, again, that there was no threat, no death, no "other" as I was the only ONE. All people, all processes, all objects, the entire Universe was all ONLY ME. I was "being" everybody and everything! I SAW that it was all only a play, an entertainment even, the Universe was something I was Be-ing in order to PLAY!

It really WAS a remembering and I had the distinct sensation of it only being just a second or two that I'd forgotten. There was a thought like "Oh yes, now I remember how it is..." No sooner than I'd Realized my Self and the Truth of Reality, then I was sort of snapped back into my personal little girl bodymind again.

If I had no context for the other things that had happened to me previously, trust me, I REALLY had no context for this total world shifting experience! I knew it was real, but I also knew I was once again Trudy. I never ever forgot the experience. I never spoke of it, and wouldn't have a context for it, until MUCH later when I learned of Parmahansa Yogananda and his description of Divine Self Realization. Until then I was going to go through many a spiritual winding road before I came across a kindred who could speak of these things.

Child Awakening....Part One

We'll start with being born human, shall we?

I was born in San Francisco on September 2, 1952 at 3:30 p.m. We lived in South San Francisco in a little village type neighborhood situated directly across the road from all of the Cemeteries in Colma. My earliest memories include walking to the cemetery to visit the very large pond there and feeding the ducks. We did that often. We would bring a bag of bread crumbs with us, my brother in his stroller (or was it buggy back then?) and I at my mother's side. I was very impressed with the size and beauty of the cemetery. There was a large arch at the entry way that looked like the opening to a castle. There were beautiful, long rolling lawns with flowers everywhere. There were large crypts which all looked like Greek temples. Gorgeous ionic columns fronted the crypts and multi-colored stained glass windows made kaleidoscopes of color. There were many trees of all different varieties. There were large statues of angels. To my tiny mind and body it was amazing. I loved it there.

Additionally in the 1950’s the road was very quiet. The town was very quiet. Once all the fathers went to work, the neighborhood was left to just the mothers and children. Close to 100% of the mothers stayed home to care for the children in those days. It was a slower and quieter lifestyle. Therefore when we would go to feed the ducks, it was quiet except for the ducks and swans. A few cars would pass by, infrequently. There was no loud highway noise like there is today. I remember the way the sun used to look as it shone over the neighborhood and on the cemetery across the road from the duck pond. It would illuminate the dew in the early mornings, (which was generally when we would be there) and it was casting long shadows on the pond as it rose up over the trees to the east. To me it was an enchanted place. It was so very peaceful.

It was the sunlight that particularly captured my attention; the way it appeared in the quiet early morning hours. A particular response in me began to appear at that age. It began to trigger in me, altered states of consciousness. At least these were my first memories of being so intensely distracted by light that my awareness shifted. At first I noticed was how peaceful I felt at the cemetery duck pond and also there was a sense of expansion as I gazed upon the pond, the scenery, the sunlight on the lawns; I, myself was sort of breathless at the sheer loveliness of it all. I became enraptured, forgetting my little child self’s usual thoughts and concerns. I was transported on a feeling of wonder, awe and love. I suppose I was lost in reverie, but to say that implies I was 'elsewhere', when in fact I felt more present to the actual moment than in my usual state. If my mother or brother spoke to me, then I would sort of snap to, come back to myself just naturally. That phrase! "Come back to myself" says so much! The self I was returning to was personal consciousness, "Trudy" identity. Now I realize that most of us have these moments, the space between thoughts of "I" or "me" or "mine", but they are so subtle they're scarcely noticed.

The next thing I recall from childhood is something so hugely overwhelming I cannot adequately describe it. By no means do I assume that circumstances in my life are any more intense, exalted, grievous than those in anyone ELSE's life, but I can only reflect upon my own process. Please know that I deeply acknowledge what the "all of us" go through, even if my personal experiences are vastly dissimilar or similar. That said, I'll continue.

Let me set the stage a bit. As a small child, my chief characteristic was that of quiet observer. Both parents attested to that, however it was my father who accepted it and understood. I didn't have much time with him, however as he was gone each day to work. I DID have my one and only grandmother, my mother's mother (my dad had been raised in an orphanage) who was the light of my life. We were simpatico, we could ride the same "wave" as it were. I had a deep sense that she "groked" me. Where my mother was very concerned with the details of life; the particulars, all of the worrisome "do's" and "don'ts" of 1950's housewifery...(oy!) my grandmother was a much more relaxed human being. I recall sitting on her lap gazing out of our dining room window onto our front lawn where flocks of blackbirds would be eating the bread crumbs we'd put out for them each morning. (Oh yes, oh yes, we kept the neighborhood birds flush with Wonder Bread on BOTH sides of the highway!) She and I would sit peacefully, not saying much, perhaps simply "Look...." Both of us were one with the experience of the birds.

When Grandma would come to visit she took the streetcar then a bus, down the old El Camino Real to South City and my mother, brother and I would walk to the bus stop to wait for her. When she stepped off of the bus, it felt like Christmas to me...I was so thrilled that she was there. My heart felt near to bursting. We'd walk the few blocks to our house and Grandma would take off her coat and sometimes reach into her pocket and pull out a piece of gum for me. Gum! Gum was not on the shopping list at our house I can assure you! But when Grandma gave it to me, my mother would let me have it. Grandma had such an easy way about her, she always had a smile for me and her eyes were so kind. She exuded peace and serenity even though, I know now, her life with my grandfather was anything BUT peaceful, but that's a story for another day. I can't remember too much of our doings together during her visits; what has impressed me deeply, and did then, was how I FELT in her presence. Now I know it was being in the presence of unconditional love. She had it, she gave it, she WAS it. When she was there, I felt nourished. My soul was fed, nurtured, supported. What can one experience with another human being greater than this? So that was my Grandma. Life with my mother? Not so much....she, poor thing, had issues; a nervous temperament, a mis-matched marriage, gaps within her, those emotional gaps which make for lack of understanding of others. I loved my mother, I truly did, but it was Grandma who was my support, my ally, the Friend of my heart.

Of course you can guess what's coming....we all have our mellow dramas and this was mine. Yes, she died, suddenly and abruptly. I was still just three years old when my parents told me that Grandma had died. Strangely, I'd already had a convoluted premonition that Grandma was soon to die. Several months before that, she sprained her ankle and was on crutches and when I saw that...her standing on a corner on Church Street in SF with her ankle bandaged, crutches under her arms...I suddenly thought "oh no! Grandma might die from this! Grandma might die SOON!" The fear did not leave me. I became aware of her vulnerability somehow, even though, no one had spoken to me "officially" about death and I'm quite sure I didn't "get" it yet. Quite sure.

When my parents did tell me that Grandma had died, I asked if she was coming back ever. My father said "No, dying means that we will never, ever see Grandma again. She's gone and she is never coming back." Blow to my chest! Thud to the gut! Bodily shock! My little mind was trying to wrap around this fact. I asked my father "Does everyone die???" He replied "Everyone dies, we all die someday." Oh....can I explain the Existential Earthquake this knowledge rendered? My psychological and emotional Heart eyes flew wide open and I SAW. Oh. My. God! The generalization took place, that wonderful human feat that separates us from the apes...extrapolation. Suddenly I saw and thought "This place, this realm (not in those exact words mind you, but this is the GIST) is a place where anyone you love can be gone in an instant. Ripped away! This place is not as advertised and represented everywhere as "life"....this is a Hell realm...a place of suffering and we're all headed to more suffering. I got it: Impermanence. First Buddhist Teaching. Life is Suffering. I was in Existential crisis and became deeply depressed.