Spiritual Hangover

I'm in this listserv, with some really great people. Most of them have invested huge amounts of time, as I have, in spiritual pursuits of one variety or another. Some have been with the same spiritual teachers as I've been, some have lived in Zen Monasteries, some are really Awake to "What Is So". Lately the threads have been positively transcendent and I'm taken aback by how unrelated to all of that, is my current mood. I've reproduced the bulk of what I wrote today to my friends, as a way to lay groundwork for more spiritual musings, possibly to come...

Hi Everybody.......

Reading these new threads has me feeling like I'm at a party and I'm either under-dressed or over-dressed or something. I'll settle on over-dressed.

Guys, I just have to tell you that, no matter than in my history I've had glimpses and satoris and all of that stuff that makes for great spiritual "oomphs", lately I am just not "there". It's like the wind has gone out of may sails, it's like I just can't ratchet myself up to wanna care about being enlightened, being awake or any of that. I feel as if I have been propelled backwards in time to a point BEFORE I was even introduced to allllllllllllll of that spiritual stuff.

It would be too easy to say "I blame (name withheld) ", it is just that ever since I became dis-illusioned with him as a guru and then gurus and spiritual groups altogether, I've back-slid into not giving a shit, really, about what I used to be passionate about. There I've said it. Is this some phase?

But I also have to say, at the same time, every once in awhile I'll get a pang, a stab in the heart when I re-member how innocent and devoted I used to be, when I recall all of a sudden, how I used to feel about Adi Da. MAN I loved him! MAN it was great to feel that what he said was Real and True and never ever doubt. I was so happy in that. As Bob once suggested to me, maybe I was looking for a Daddy. A perfect Parent.

Anybody know the story of the Velveteen Rabbit? Where the toy rabbit was so beloved to the boy, and the rabbit so served and loved the little boy that one day, the rabbit became Real? I think that was the sub-plot of my spiritual practice efforts. I thought and believed with all my heart that if I loved and served a Perfect Being I would become Real; like enter into the Magic Kingdom. Like live in a realm where all beings were kind to one another and everyone would have a Compassionate Buddha Heart and where the sun would shine brightly forever and no more night, no more death, no more hurts or pains or sicknesses, no more this world's troubles and that it would go on forever and ever because it was REAL. The ticket in was to become Real oneself.

I remember walking in my old neighborhood feeling so open and vulnerable and sensitive....and hearing out of a window an angry man yelling abuse at a little boy and the little boy trying to answer back and being shouted down and I just cried and felt intense pain. My heart was breaking and I wanted to BE in a place where that no longer happened to ANYBODY EVER again. I prayed "Please let there be some realm where there is only Peace, Kindness, tenderness, joy, please let it be true."

Was that my motive for the spiritual chase? Escape from pain? I'm thinking so. That is my best guess.

So spiritually speaking, I'm at square one again guys. I'm a spiritual boo-ba........still just toddling.....and I say one more thing, I'm in love with my own thoughts. I still am fascinated by all of the things my mind comes up with, I still am also fascinated by other people's ideas, thought-forms, expressions, it still holds interest for me. What does that mean?

Plus, I hold judgments aplenty, ie: think George Bush et al. reside in the depths of Mordor......and Dick cheney is the head Orc. I passionately WISH for a Progressive in the White House......I CARE about Global Warming and think Al Gore rocks.......I am very Earth oriented guys. I'm way less "other-worldly" than I used to be.

Yet, I know. In some part of me there is an on-going knowledge that I don't fear death, that it's all just what it IS and it is all a marvel and I'm grateful for all of the Everything. That nothing truly touches or tarnishes; that nothing ever happens to what Is Real.

But I just don't visit or hang out in that Knowing very often, whereas it used to be my passion. I think I still having a (name withheld) hangover. That's my account of it at any rate.

I just wanted to tell you all the true feelings I'm having and let you all in on it, so we can at least be real at the life level.